Things I've Never Said: Father's Day Edition
I honestly have no idea how to even begin to write this blog. A lot of what I want to say I’ve never actually put into words. Mostly it’s been thoughts of gratitude and overwhelming emotion more so than actual words. We’ll see how this thing shapes up.
If you haven’t read January’s June Father’s Day blog go back and do that first. Her blog will give you a perfectly accurate description of our dad. I think she covered everything and since we share a dad that also makes writing this a little difficult. I wasn’t sure if there was anything left to share, but then I decided since I bare my soul with y’all on the regular there’s no reason to quit now. Also, I’m sure some of you are kind of over hearing me talk about my little girl, but that’s what moms do so if that’s not your jam just move on now. I’m cool with it. Swear.
Our family is super close. I see my mom and dad most every day. I see my sisters at least every few days if not more, and we usually don’t go a day without texting. We pretty much know everything that’s going on in the other one’s lives at all times. Not because we are all up in each other’s business but because we are together so much, and we talk about everything. Our dad is always around to share his wisdom and give us advice. He doesn’t demand we do it his way. In fact he usually puts out a disclaimer that he’s just telling us what he would do and not telling us what we should do. He’s always been good about letting us make those decisions on our own.
The first time that my little girl, Austen, was admitted into the hospital she had just begun having seizures. Everyone had different opinions as to why. Is anybody besides me so hesitant to see a doctor because you are putting all of your trust into another human? No offense Doctors. I admire your intellect. I know you have years of education to back up everything you’re saying and you all are probably right a lot of the time. It’s scary though. Sometimes you feel like you just aren’t ever going to get answers, and that’s where we’ve been with Austen for a while now. She very recently had more testing that we just knew was gonna provide some really good stuff and guess what? We don’t know anything more than we did before that incredibly exhausting day, and honestly it just feels like a waste sometimes. It’s been that way since that first hospital admission. Things are stressful for everyone involved in a situation like that. Our very close knit family loves our girl more than anything and everyone wanted what was best for her. The problem was that no one knew what was best. We all had ideas and Brad & I would sit in the hospital, listen to doctor after doctor, and no answer was the same. As soon as we’d decide on a treatment we’d talk to a family member or another doctor, and that would bring up a million more questions so we were back at square one. I’m not sure if y’all know this about me, but I’m one of those people that doesn’t want to upset anyone. I just want everyone to be happy. Some think it’s a character flaw and it may be, but I just hate feeling that a decision I’ve personally made has negatively effected someone else. It makes me break out in hives when I have to worry about that. Can I also tell you that everyone doesn’t have the same opinions therefore everyone isn’t always gonna be happy? Y’all are probably pretty clear on that simple logic, but sometimes even as a thirty-something year old woman I STILL have to remind myself of that. My husband even tells me “Hun, we make the decisions for us and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks” and I’m all “Okay but what do you think they’re gonna think about that?” I’m telling y’all its bothersome. I remember standing in the hospital hallway after another doctor had walked in and firmly told us what would be the best course of action to treat our daughter. Brad and I had to make a choice and we did. They would begin the treatment that evening. I was scared to death and the only person I could bring myself to call was my daddy. I remember telling him what the doctor told us and that we had decided to move forward. There weren’t a million questions. He didn’t share opinions that would only make me question myself yet again. He knew that Brad and I had to do something. He knew how difficult the decision was and that we’d been struggling for days. I’m still not positive what my daddy’s personal opinion was in that moment. He just simply supported me. That was it. For the first time that week I felt like things were going to be okay. Looking back I still carry some guilt for what our girl went through during that treatment. It wasn’t successful and had more negative effects than anything. I can’t even look at pictures from that time in our lives. It brings me to tears just thinking about it but we had to try something. Even in the midst of that very discouraging realization Daddy was right there. He was just as heartbroken as we were but he listened and he supported us.
Over the years Daddy and I have spent several hours, mostly over lunch, talking about life. We talk about the hard times with my baby girl and sometimes I cry. We talk about what a miracle she is and sometimes I cry. When I think about how through all of it he has just simply supported me…sometimes I cry. I can’t imagine not having him in those moments. He encourages me and assures me that I’m doing a good job when I’m positive that I just can’t do it another day. I can’t imagine Austen not having Jan Jan. He is her biggest cheerleader. He prays for her, he’s patient with her, and he spoils her a little too much which is fine by me.
Basically my sisters and I feel like our daddy is Superman. He will forever be our Hero.
Daddy, I hope you know how much I love & appreciate you. I hope you know when I feel brave it's because of you. I hope you know even the things I’ve never acknowledged out loud haven’t gone unnoticed. Happy Father’s Day every day!
Thanks for everything.